This post is pretty wordy and I’m sorry for that but I have A LOT to say about this topic. Feel free to come back when I’m not so windy.
You should only gain 20 pounds.
Those words still ring in my ears. No, wait. They burn my pregnant ears.
Those were the words directly out of my doctor’s mouth. Those words were chains that were instantly thrown around myself and my heart.
As I sat in my first appointment with the doctor that will be delivering our baby (hopefully- fingers crossed) he told me that I should only gain 20 pounds from pre pregnancy weight. This was week 15′ish–I had already gained about 8 pounds . By mid March around week 17-18′ish- I was up 10 pounds. And, I wasn’t even half way through my pregnancy!…… Not even half way through! TEN POUNDS!
Because I was already up 8′ish pounds when my doctor broke the “only 20 pound” news, I kind of felt like my doctor was scolding me. I felt like a little girl in school with the doctor shaking his finger at me— and secretly thinking in his head that I’m using my pregnancy as a chance to eat gallons of ice cream and pizza for dinner…. which I wasn’t!
“Only 20 pounds” were the chains that I had bound myself too. However, my clothes were still fitting at 15-17 weeks, getting a tad tight but still fitting, and not a single person could tell that I had gained even a pound…… BUT I’M HALF WAY TO WHAT I’M SUPPOSED TO GAIN- and I’m not even half way through my pregnancy.
I freak out at this point in my pregnancy. For a lot of reasons…..
Reason #1- At my first appointment, he took away my work-out mo-jo. I’m not supposed get my heart rate over 140 bpm. (What?! I do that by powerwalking’ish?!?) So, that means that running/slow jogging (even a mile) is probably not going to work. (Side note- I can workout now! It’ great!)
Reason #2: I AM NOT eating for two, doctor! I’m eating healthy!!!! …Infact, I haven’t changed the way I eat, really. I am eating oatmeal for breakfast, salad for lunch with some cheese from protein, an apple as a snack, and a lean protein for supper. I pinky promise, doctor, I’m eating healthy!
As a girl that has had a pretty intense fight with an eating disorder- I felt like a part of me had died after my first appointment. I felt judged. That first appointment put me in a tailspin of emotions and I was, luckily, level headed enough to not let it throw me into any sort of regression due to my past. I just felt stuck. I felt like my doctor was telling me I was getting fat (because in my mind he was thinking I was eating bon-bons all day!) but that I couldn’t work out. His ‘doctors orders’ left me feeling torn with only a crack HUGE to fall in between.
After I left the appointment and several days after, I let info from many other moms soak in. My sister- amazing and beautiful (and tiny!)- gained more than 20 pounds in her first pregnancy, quite a bit more than 20 pounds, and she looked great! Absolutely stunning, even on the day she went into labor. She gave birth to my beautiful and healthy nephew and still came out looking like a queen. She is such a rockstar!
Fast forward to week 30′ish…..
Here’s the thing- I’m up 18 pounds and I’m quickly approaching 20 pounds of weight gain. It scares me. Not becasue I think I’m getting fat but I feel judged by my doctor- like he doesn’t believe that I’m seriously eating healthy and exercising my little heart out. Like I’m lying. Has my doctor done anything to make me feel judged? No. It all comes from within.
Random people that know me will say that there is only a bump. “Gosh, you can hardly tell that you’re pregnant unless you look at your bump!” ……I just can’t wrap my head around this weight gain…….. Not because of the way I look or the way I’m going to look after baby, but because I have this thing with being ‘perfect’ and fitting into what is expected. I was only supposed to gain about 20 pounds and I still have 10 weeks to go!! Ahhhh! What am I going to do?!?!
I know what I’m going to do- I’m going to eat healthfully when I’m hungry and exercise as much and my body and baby will allow. It is what’s best for me and my baby!
I still feel slightly bound by those chains that my doctor threw around me, even though he had no idea the effect that it would have on me. He tells me my weight gain is healthy and I’m doing great- in fact he stretches my appointments out a tad farther than the average pregnant woman- he is confident that I’m growing a healthy little bundle of joy—- Which I CAN NOT WAIT TO HOLD!!!! (and kiss, and cuddle, and let my family love on, and snuggle, and be in love with…..)
I just wish that I hadn’t let those chains of “only 20 pounds” get wrapped so tightly around my body– and my heart. I am truly doing what I feel is best for our little blessing and my body. Only 9 more weeks of growing the little one in my tummy! Holy heavens! God is good!