Thank you so much for all the love, support, comments, e-mails, and prayers. You are all THE BEST! With all of your love and the love of my at home support system, I’m doing great!
This picture doesn’t even include my whole support system. Who’s missing: the mom & dad, sister & brother-in-law, amazing nephew, and ADORABLE new niece! Between them and my husband (and our cute cats!) I feel abundantly blessed! God has given me a wonderful family –They are my foundation– They are a true gift from Him.
Deep breath… On to today.
My mom and I walked into the doctor’s office and I didn’t quite know what to feel. After a few short minutes in the waiting room, the nurse came and got me.
I went back to the exam room and knew the drill. On the table I went. Didn’t quite feel like small talk, I wanted to know what the stats were. The nurse did her work and then I sat up and it was time to talk…
She looked though my files again and then gave me the dreaded look. We discussed what would have been expected from the medication I was on and how my body had responded. The medication had not worked. After several docotors have given me the “I’m so sorry” look paired with the pity in their eyes. My heart feels broken.
I have to go to this last resort. The most heart sinking moment was realizing that I have officially become one of the women I have pittied ever since I was old enough to understand. I am becoming the one of the women I used to pray for and feel hearrtbroken over their loss. This concept alone is too much to handle. I am living out one fear I’ve always had: that I’ll never be able to have children. Not saying that it is going to come true, but it is a fear.
In absolutely no stretch of the imagination have I lost faith and feel like this is a ‘Game Over’ diagnosis….. It is just confusing. End of story….. I am confused as to why this is happening. ———I am beyond thankful that I believe that “God’s timing is better than my own. God is who knows what’s up, not me. His plan for me is better than my plan for me.”
That being said, I don’t feel that because I trust in Him fully that I just stop all the measures I’m taking to aid in the process of having a child or figuring out what is wrong with my body.
I have to drive 3.5 hours to get to the doctor and 3.5 hours back home each time I have to go. It is such a negative 7 hours of drive time. I dread the trip there becasue I’m so nervous about what they are going to do to me. Then the trip home is pretty much devistating because of some of the news I’ve been given each time I’ve had to go. BUT I suck it up and put on a happy face for those 3.5 hours.
Over the past 10 days I have had to take that 7 hour drive 3 times. I have to take off of work, leave a day early because my appointment is at 8:15 in the morning and can’t manage to to leave my house at 4:30 AM to drive for over 3.5 hours straight. I get a hotel room and stay the night so I’m not driving and falling asleep at the wheel……. I have to go back this weekend. Yep, the specialist is working weekend hours for me. I am thankful. Beyond the trying to get pregnant part, we are concerned as to why my 24 year old body isn’t working. That part is scary as well.
So, after today; this is where I’m at-– Full of faith, full of gratatude for ALL OF YOU, and thankful for my foundation and support system that God has given me. I am a blessed girl.
Again, thank you all for being amazing friends, all of your support, and all of your prayers! :) YOU ARE THE BEST!