First off, during this post: I don’t want to a.) sound like a Debby Downer b.) sound like I’m feeling sorry for myslef c.) sound like I’ve lost hope or faith in Him.
This post is taking a lot for me to write but I do want to get it off my chest, so to speak. I feel like I am stuck emotionally and I just want to be a real as possible with myself and all of you; especially because you’ve always been so understanding and supportive. It’s been a blessing.
So, deep breath…… Here it goes……….
Almost every girl dreams of growing up to be a mom. Playing with dolls and dreaming up names that your future children will have. True, some of my friends have never had this dream; I always have. I have a true passion for children and want to raise a couple of my own.
I am having issues with my body not working properly. The husband and I are trying to add on to our family and have a baby. It’s not working. Something is wrong with my 24 year old body and I feel like my body is failing me. This is all true.
All of the above items have made me quite stressed. For almost a year my body has quit doing what every 24 year old woman’s body does. I have been to doctor after doctor and they are all perplexed and can’t tell me what is up with my body and why it is kind of bailing on me. It is frustrating.
The husband and I started trying to add to our family almost a year ago. Once we started trying to have a baby, a few issues with my body have been discovered but there is no rhyme or reason any doctor has come across. I brushed it off at first. Maybe it was just a few months of my body on a vacation or something? Yah, sure that’s what it was….. not.
I have had so many tests run, exams performed, and blood taken I seriously can’t keep track. Me rolling up my sleeve and saying “Yah, I have teeny tiny veins. Sorry my small veins are making your day harder” to the nurse who is drawing my blood on that particular day….. Or, laying back listening to the standard conversation between the doctors to keep awkwardness at bay, “Yep, the weather is hot. Is it ever going to cool down?…. What do you do? Oh, how is that going…… ect….” It is becoming second nature.
In the beginning of this ordeal about a year ago. I was on three rounds of medication from one doctor, sometimes two or three medications per round. It was an insane rolercoster of emotion and weird feelings taking over my body. None of them worked. My body still refused to do what was normal and it had been doing for allllllll years in the past. All three medications failed.
My doctor sat me down and said that I needed to see the specilist for our geographic region, luckily he lives in Kansas. She said that “he would take good care of me.” —-The way she looked at me that day will stick with me forever.— It was a look of pity and sadness all rolled into one. I hadn’t freaked up until that point. The way the doctor looked at me felt like a ton of bricks hitting me. The sadness in her eyes bore into my heart and I felt myself grow weak inside.
Once I went to the specialist, he gave me renewed hope. I mean, he is the best of the best and the waiting list to get to him is months long. This was going to be ‘no thing’ and he’d figure me out….
Turns out he has no idea what is up with my body either. He has put me on two differnet rounds of different kinds of medications leaving my body full of hormones and emotions that I have absolutly NO control over. I hate it. The worst part? They haven’t worked either.
He says he’s giving it his all and this will have to be the last try he has with certain methods. Then, we whip out the big guns and go to the last resort. A treatment that is over $1,000 a month, time consuming, and emotionally/physically painful. A last resort.
I go to the doctor tomorrow to find out if the medications worked and if my body can hopefully work itself out of its funk all on its own.
My wonderful mom is by my side. They husband can’t take off any more work, we have missed sooooo much work over this already and I feel that if we take off work again together, the whole town will start asking questions. I can’t take the whole town talking, asking questions, and looking at me pittifly. My mom is here with me and we go to the doctor tomorrow. Last shot for this to work. Crossing my fingers.
Hope all of your days were super. I really am okay. I just wanted to get this off my chest and own up to some of my feelings. Thanks for listening. You girls are the best! (sorry to the one guy who might actually read this!)