Deep breath… Here it goes… (part I)

First off, during this post: I don’t want to  a.) sound like a Debby Downer  b.) sound like I’m feeling sorry for myslef  c.) sound like I’ve lost hope or faith in Him.

This post is taking a lot for me to write but I do want to get it off my chest, so to speak. I feel like I am stuck  emotionally and I just want to be a real as possible with myself and all of you; especially because you’ve always been so understanding and supportive. It’s been a blessing.

So, deep breath…… Here it goes……….

Almost every girl dreams of growing up to be a mom. Playing with dolls and dreaming up names that your future children will have. True, some of my friends have never had this dream; I always have. I have a true passion for children and want to raise a couple of my own.

I am having issues with my body not working properly.  The husband and I are trying to add on to our family and have a baby. It’s not working. Something is wrong with my 24 year old body and I feel like my body is failing me. This is all true.

All of the above items have made me quite stressed. For almost a year my body has quit doing what every 24 year old woman’s body does. I have been to doctor after doctor and they are all perplexed and can’t tell me what is up with my body and why it is kind of bailing on me. It is frustrating.

The husband and I started trying to add to our family almost a year ago. Once we started trying to have a baby, a few issues with my body have been discovered but there is no rhyme or reason any doctor has come across. I brushed it off at first. Maybe it was just a few months of my body on a vacation or something? Yah, sure that’s what it was….. not.

This is where I'm hoping my body has decided to vacation to.... It looks nice 🙂

I have had so many tests run, exams performed, and blood taken I seriously can’t keep track. Me rolling up my sleeve and saying “Yah, I have teeny tiny veins. Sorry my small veins are making your day harder” to the nurse who is drawing my blood on that particular day…..  Or,  laying back listening to the standard conversation between the doctors to keep awkwardness at bay, “Yep, the weather is hot. Is it ever going to cool down?…. What do you do? Oh, how is that going…… ect….” It  is becoming second nature.

In the beginning of this ordeal about a year ago. I was on three rounds of medication from one doctor, sometimes two or three medications per round. It was an insane rolercoster of emotion and weird feelings taking over my body.  None of them worked. My body still refused to do what was normal and it had been doing for allllllll years in the past. All three medications failed.

My doctor sat me down and said that I needed to see the specilist for our geographic region, luckily he lives in Kansas. She said that “he would take good care of me.” —-The way she looked at me that day will stick with me forever.—  It was a look of pity and sadness all rolled into one. I hadn’t freaked up until that point. The way the doctor looked at me felt like a ton of bricks hitting me. The sadness in her eyes bore into my heart and I felt myself grow weak inside.

This is what her words felt like were hitting me. Complete sadness.

Once I went to the specialist, he gave me renewed hope. I mean, he is the best of the best and the waiting list to get to him is months long. This was going to be ‘no thing’ and he’d figure me out….

Turns out he has no idea what is up with my body either. He has put me on two differnet rounds of different kinds of medications leaving my body full of hormones and emotions that I have absolutly NO control over. I hate it. The worst part? They haven’t worked either.

He says he’s giving it his all and this will have to be the last try he has with certain methods. Then, we whip out the big guns and go to the last resort. A treatment that is over $1,000 a month, time consuming, and emotionally/physically painful. A last resort.

I go to the doctor tomorrow to find out if the medications worked and if my body can hopefully work itself out of its funk all on its own.

My wonderful mom is by my side. They husband can’t take off any more work, we have missed sooooo much work over this already and I feel that if we take off work again together, the whole town will start asking questions. I can’t take the whole town talking, asking questions, and looking at me pittifly. My mom is here with me and we go to the doctor tomorrow.  Last shot for this to work. Crossing my fingers.

Hope all of your days were super. I really am okay. I just wanted to get this off my chest and own up to some of my feelings. Thanks for listening. You girls are the best! (sorry to the one guy who might actually read this!)

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24 responses to “Deep breath… Here it goes… (part I)

  1. Praying for you, friend. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story with us. I’m glad you did, now “we” (blog community) can be an added support system for you. You’re so positive and wonderful at lifting everyone else up, let us give it a try in return! 🙂
    PS – He never lets go. Through every high and every low.

  2. You are wonderful. We all love you so much. I have so many “female issues” so I can definitely understand where you are coming from. I am praying for you! xoxoxox

  3. Oh gosh, i’m so sorry you are dealing with this
    I have PCOS and it kinda blows and i’m not even trying for kids yet but i’m super prepared for it to be a long hard path and its sad i’m not even looking forward to it!
    I hope you get the answers you need, there are a lot of online support groups for this, it will happen for you – promise!

  4. Good luck tomorrow! I’ll be thinking of you & hoping everything works out. I’m sure everyone will be keeping their fingers crossed & waiting for an update!

  5. Oh, Julie, I am so sorry to hear about all of this. I will pray that all goes well and the Lord will bless you with a child. Don’t lose faith!!

  6. I am so sorry to hear this, I know it must be incredibly stressful not knowing what is wrong. Staying positive and believing it will happen must be hard, but it is really the best medicine you can give yourself emotionally!

  7. Julie – I am so very proud of you. I know this post must have taken SO much….you have my utmost support (as always) and ears (or eyes) to help you through this. I feel like we’ve been friends forever. You have this amazing light and I love that. God does have a plan…I don’t know what that is but I do know it doesn’t always make sense and can be hard. I know from experience though that whatever you do go thru seems all worth it in the end…whatever the outcome. You have beautiful things coming your way girl — I just know it.
    xoxo SO MUCH love from Houston … till tomorrow

  8. Brittany @ Itty Bits of Balance

    Thank you for sharing your story– it must’ve been such a difficult thing to do. I will pray for you and your hubby during this tough time! Don’t worry! Remember that God has a plan and it will all make sense soon enough 🙂

  9. Thank you for sharing your story, I know that was difficult. Praying for you and hoping your doctor visit brings good news and answers for you. Im so sorry for the roller coaster you have been on, some of those meds can be so tough on the mind, body, and spirit. Stay strong in Him, He loves you!

  10. Oh my gosh. I know how you feel! I really hope that this works for you.

  11. Thank you for sharing your story. I can not imagine how difficult this is for you and your husband. You are in my prayers. Jesus has a perfect plan for your life.

  12. I am so sorry you are struggling with such a difficulty, but I truly believe He has a special plan for each of us.
    I really appreciate you sharing this and I am wishing all of the best for you. You are certainly in my thoughts and prayers ❤

  13. Oh my! I really hope the doctor’s visit goes well today!! I’m glad you were able to get this off your chest. I bet it has been tough going through this ordeal, and I hope it gets better for you and your husband.

    I’m no expert and haven’t been through anything like this, but I’ve heard that some women go through all of the medications and procedures, but don’t have any luck. Then, once they stop all of the treatments and medicines and give their body a break, it responds well and does what it needs to do! I hope you find whatever it is your body needs to make your family happen!

    Lots of love and good thoughts for you!

  14. I am in the exact situation, but I am not having a baby. I know what it feels like to have blood drawn about 12 times in 6 months. My lady part hasn’t been working either for about 3 years now. I have tried so many medications, but no doctor can quite figure out what’s wrong. It is so frustrating. I tried acupuncture and while it didn’t work for me for my “lady” it sure helped soothe me. You should give it a try! Hope everything turns out well! 🙂

  15. Thank you for sharing this post- I think it’s hard sometimes when we try and be positive to reveal things about our lives that are troubling. I know that feeling of having blood drawn and apologizing for my own small veins all too well. For two years I struggled with abdominal pain that was getting so bad that I could no longer participate in activities and had a hard time going to school. It took many, many, many doctors but they finally diagnosed me with endometriosis. Then, it was a difficult road trying to find a treatment plan that actually worked. But finally, after an incredible doctor, I am pain free. I know this must be so hard and scary but we are all here for you! And God is good- he will provide- one of my favorite sayings is FROG- Fully rely on God! xo

  16. I am a first time reader, but this story is so compelling! I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this, but there is a plan for everyone. My own mother had a terribly difficult and heart-wrenching time trying to get pregnant, and in the end she adopted my sister and I. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful family, and I am sure whatever happens that it is for the best.

  17. I’ll be praying for you as you continue to look for solutions – it’s so hard for us to see God’s plan for our lives and understand how He uses trials to bring us closer to Him, but remember that He does have a plan, and He does provide! Your joyful spirit shines through even in this emotional post, and with your spirit, your faith, and your support system, you will make it through this trial!

  18. You are so strong for writing about this! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband in your hopes to start a family.

    The only thing that is given in life is that things change. The good may turn bad, but more importantly the bad can turn into something amazing. You will make it through this, and will one day be blessed with a lovely family, I am sure. Everything happens for a reason. ❤

  19. You’ll be in my prayers! I love how somehow despite all the drama going on you made me laugh with you body being on vacation in that gorgeous looking place. But anyways I will pray for you, that is so darn frustrating! You deserve a child, you will make an amazing mother. Any child would be lucky to have you in their life. I wish you the best of luck 🙂

  20. Gosh girl, I am so sorry you have to go through this. Infertility definitely sucks – why our bodies stop working for no reason is beyond me too. We’re not ready to start trying but I am in the exact same boat as you. My body is not working, they don’t know what’s wrong, and it is so incredibly frustrating. I can only imagine what it must bel ike on a bunch of hormones too! You’re definitely in my prayers!

  21. I’m glad I nipped over here so I could read this; I’m so sorry you’re going through a really rough patch right now. You will be in my prayers, and don’t give up hope.

  22. thanks for being so open and honest and sharing your story. i know this happens to a lot of people, but they don’t share the journey in the way that you have. don’t give up hope!

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